So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
