She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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