college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
