Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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