We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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