The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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