Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
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I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
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Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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