where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
