i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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