Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
