Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
