i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
He passed out mid-signature
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
