her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
