Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
