I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
