I accidentally had phone sex last night
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
