I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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