I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
