rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I want her autograph on my taint
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
