Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
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