my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
