I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
