I'm sorry my penis didn't work
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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