you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
