I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
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YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
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Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
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