is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
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