captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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