Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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