Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
