I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
