He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
