I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
