lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
