stop calling my apartment porn island.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
