Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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