im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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