My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
