just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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