i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize
