Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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