Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
