Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
