How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
