I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
