sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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