remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
