My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
