I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
