just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
