sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I'm sobbing to NWA
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
