better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
