I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
