you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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