I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
