need another drink. this is the easiest way
a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
