Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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